The Four Horsemen

John M. Gottman says that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship; a mutual respect and enjoyment for each other’s company. In my own marriage relationship, we get along, we are friends, we love and respect each other.  I can text him 14 times a day, or not at all, and I know what is going on with him. We communicate our love, concern for each other, and daily going-ons frequently. I know of a wife that calls or texts her husband at least

3

times an hour. It is like she has to be in constant contact with him or she can’t function. She is very needed and insecure even after over 20 years of marriage. Gottman also speaks of how he can predict a couple’s chances of getting divorced. He talks of tell-tale signs and the second one he mentions is

THE FOUR HORSEMEN.

Horseman 1: Criticism

          We are all guilty of being critical, of our significant other, our children, our co-workers, and ourselves. Gottman describes a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality. Criticism can cut people down and hurt feelings, even if not intended. I can think of times I have criticized and then thought to myself, why on earth did I say that? And then I have to eat crow and apologize. Would have been better if I had just kept my mouth shut.

Horseman 2: Contempt

            How do those feelings of contempt make you feel deep down? We might feel like we are better than the one we have put down, but we are just keeping those negative thoughts and feelings in our own hearts. Disrespecting those we love not only affects their self-esteem, but ours also. Contempt can come from jealousy. There are many things we can get jealous about: a spouse flirting, someone having more than us that we feel we need, or our own selfish thoughts or desires.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

          This one gets me in trouble more times than I would care to admit. I am quick to snap back with a sarcastic remark or a glare that would make Medusa blush. My dad used to say I was the Queen of Glare.

It is also difficult for me to get over a grudge or apologize. I rerun the scene in my mind many times trying to decide who is right and who is wrong. I dwell on it for days. It not only affects my relationships, the kids I work with can tell when something wrong. I then get a barrage of questions if I am alright, making me angrier. I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeve.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

          This is also something I am really good at. I would rather not say anything at all than something I will regret. I like to think through my responses before uttering a word. I know it makes my husband angry because he is a talker. He can talk an Eskimo into ice cream. He can teach an impromptu Sunday school class. He is gifted in the area I am not. I have gotten better over the years, but I am still a stonewalling master.

When two people come together into a relationship, they are two separate beings from two separate worlds. It takes time, patience, understanding, and energy to make a marriage or even a friendship work. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I know I need to work on making me a better communicator and not let any of the 4 horsemen control my thoughts, feelings, or what I say. Learning to tame these naughty fellows would be in my best interest.

          

Contract or Covenant?

Contract or Covenant?

Bruce Hafen said: “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 2 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other.”

                My grandparents were married for over 50 years. My parents and in laws have also been married for over 50 years. As much as they have fought or not liked each other very much, they have all stayed together. Marriage is a process, just like our other covenants. We don’t know everything about marriage when we say “I do”, just like we don’t understand all of the elements of our baptismal or temple covenants. They take years and years of learning, loving, patience and understanding. Contracts are easier to break off than covenants. I take my temple covenants very seriously. When Jeff and I were sealed, I didn’t realize there were so many little things that I had missed. I have been back to the temple many times and after 26 years, I am still learning about all of the things Heavenly Father wants me to.

                Bro. Hafen also talked about the 3 wolves that can be in every relationship. The first wolf is natural adversity. These are events that we as a couple or family, have no control over. A car accident, a house fire, a family member dying, etc. When our son died, it would have been very easy to blame each other for the accident, but we dealt with our demons and supported each other through a very difficult time, not only for Jeff and I, but for the three other kids also.

                The second wolf is our own imperfections. I know some of my imperfections drive Jeff crazy, as his drive me crazy. Over time, I have learned to let things go, especially when they are unimportant. I think the more we let the little things stew, the easier it is to get upset about them. We need to talk things out and work on our own idiosyncrasies.

                The third wolf is excessive individualism. I think this has become a generation thing. More and more people are choosing friends, hobbies, or “my” time over their spouse and children. I think President Hinkley said that most marriages fail because of selfishness. Selfishness can encompass many facets of our lives. We can be selfish with our love, our time, and our resources. As spouses and parents, these are the three areas our family needs most.

I am a daughter of God.

I am a daughter of heavenly parents. I am a daughter of earthly parents. My purpose is sacred and eternal and ordained of God.






I am a woman. I am a wife. I am a mother of five children. I have been sealed to them for all of eternity in a house of the Lord. I would not be who I am today without my family.
Heavenly Father made us individually as male and female to come together to bring his precious spirits to their mortal bodies. Dad and Mom are both needed in a home. Dad to love, teach, and guide in gospel righteousness. Mom to love, teach, and nurture. We each have divine qualities that enhance our relationship.

Many important family goals..Family Mission Statement

The Bronsons

Love, kindness, understanding, and forgiveness will bring us closer together and to God.

We, as a family, will strive to:

            Love each other unconditionally & learn to rely on each other

            Be mindful of others feelings and opinions

            Think & pray before we speak

            Be less distracted by media influences

            Support family members in callings, decisions, extra-curricular activities, work, and school

            Play together often

            Celebrate our unique & different qualities

            Be good examples in all we do

            Communicate in a positive manner, never in anger, and be aware of our tone of voice

We can do these things by:

            Making educational, personal, and financial goals

            Work on scouting merit badges & Duty to God with Brett

            Keep our commitments

            Praying together and for each other

            Serving each other and those around us

            Studying and discussing scriptures

            Having meaningful Family Home Evenings with everyone participating

            Prepare and eat evening meals together

            Attending our Sunday meetings together

            Being kind, loving, and having fun together

            Attending the temple regularly

As we strive to do these things and work as a family, we have faith that Heavenly Father will bless us. We will keep working hard, serving diligently, and loving whole-heartedly. Renee, Morgan, and Brett will continue their educations with the support of Jeff and each other. We will remember that all we come in contact with are children of our Heavenly Father and need to be treated as such. We will work on our food storage and 72-hour kits. We will work on paying off our small debt load. We will find other ways to spend quality time together loving and nurturing our family. We will listen and love more. We will try our best and if we fail, we will pray for help and guidance, never giving up. We will make Sacrament meetings more meaningful. We will always be willing and loving servants of Heavenly Father.

Our lives begin and end with family. Don't know what on earth I would do without them.

L-R: Kenz, Daddy-O, Mamason, Brett, Elder Thompson, Beauman & Morgan
All of us + Kalen. 2014

We were all together that day for Kalen's farewell. Over the last two years, dynamics have changed at our house. 

Makenzie got remarried. 

Kevin is a great guy and they are happy.

And they have a dog named Maggie.

Love birds, Kenz & Kevin

Hoo-rah! My Marine with his Army vet grandparents.

  Beau joined the Marines and   right now is stationed in  Okinawa, Japan. The time  there right now is 5:58 a.m.

Can't believe she is leaving soon, sniff, sniff.

Morgan graduated in May. She is working two jobs, saving her money for her adventure this fall. She is going to Romania to work at an orphanage with the ILP program. 

Jeff, Brett and I will keep on, keeping on. Jeff still works at Lee's, I still work at KHS, I think, and will be taking classes at BYUI and Brett will be in his last year of middle school, keeping us busy with football, basketball, track, baseball and his Eagle project.

Cancer

My dad is a great man. Today he has a bone scan test to see if his prostate cancer has spread to any other places in his body. It could mean surgery, it could mean chemo. He told me if things aren't good he is just going to let nature take its ugly course. He is only 74. In my opinion, way too far young to leave this earthly existence. I am grateful that we have been sealed together as an eternal family. I know that whatever happens I will be able to see my loved ones again someday. Because of Jesus Christ and His atonement, I can repent and live more worthily.

What can we handle?

Waiting patiently for the hospital to call my parents to schedule my dad's bone scan. He is extra grumpy to work with these days. Mom is frustrated. I am frustrated.