John M. Gottman says that happy marriages are based on a deep
friendship; a mutual respect and enjoyment for each other’s company. In my own
marriage relationship, we get along, we are friends, we love and respect each
other. I can text him 14 times a day, or
not at all, and I know what is going on with him. We communicate our love,
concern for each other, and daily going-ons frequently. I know of a wife that calls or texts her husband at least
3
times an hour. It is
like she has to be in constant contact with him or she can’t function. She is
very needed and insecure even after over 20 years of marriage. Gottman also
speaks of how he can predict a couple’s chances of getting divorced. He talks
of tell-tale signs and the second one he mentions is
THE FOUR HORSEMEN.
Horseman 1: Criticism
We
are all guilty of being critical, of our significant other, our children, our
co-workers, and ourselves. Gottman describes a criticism is global and
expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or
personality. Criticism can cut people down and hurt feelings, even if not
intended. I can think of times I have criticized and then thought to myself,
why on earth did I say that? And then I have to eat crow and apologize. Would
have been better if I had just kept my mouth shut.
Horseman 2: Contempt
How
do those feelings of contempt make you feel deep down? We might feel like we
are better than the one we have put down, but we are just keeping those
negative thoughts and feelings in our own hearts. Disrespecting those we love
not only affects their self-esteem, but ours also. Contempt can come from
jealousy. There are many things we can get jealous about: a spouse flirting, someone
having more than us that we feel we need, or our own selfish thoughts or
desires.
Horseman 3: Defensiveness
This
one gets me in trouble more times than I would care to admit. I am quick to
snap back with a sarcastic remark or a glare that would make Medusa blush. My
dad used to say I was the Queen of Glare.
It is also difficult for me to get over a grudge or
apologize. I rerun the scene in my mind many times trying to decide who is
right and who is wrong. I dwell on it for days. It not only affects my
relationships, the kids I work with can tell when something wrong. I then get a
barrage of questions if I am alright, making me angrier. I definitely wear my
emotions on my sleeve.
Horseman 4: Stonewalling
This
is also something I am really good at. I would rather not say anything at all
than something I will regret. I like to think through my responses before
uttering a word. I know it makes my husband angry because he is a talker. He
can talk an Eskimo into ice cream. He can teach an impromptu Sunday school
class. He is gifted in the area I am not. I have gotten better over the years,
but I am still a stonewalling master.
When two people come together into a relationship,
they are two separate beings from two separate worlds. It takes time, patience,
understanding, and energy to make a marriage or even a friendship work. We all
have our strengths and weaknesses. I know I need to work on making me a better
communicator and not let any of the 4 horsemen control my thoughts, feelings,
or what I say. Learning to tame these naughty fellows would be in my best
interest.
