The Four Horsemen

John M. Gottman says that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship; a mutual respect and enjoyment for each other’s company. In my own marriage relationship, we get along, we are friends, we love and respect each other.  I can text him 14 times a day, or not at all, and I know what is going on with him. We communicate our love, concern for each other, and daily going-ons frequently. I know of a wife that calls or texts her husband at least

3

times an hour. It is like she has to be in constant contact with him or she can’t function. She is very needed and insecure even after over 20 years of marriage. Gottman also speaks of how he can predict a couple’s chances of getting divorced. He talks of tell-tale signs and the second one he mentions is

THE FOUR HORSEMEN.

Horseman 1: Criticism

          We are all guilty of being critical, of our significant other, our children, our co-workers, and ourselves. Gottman describes a criticism is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality. Criticism can cut people down and hurt feelings, even if not intended. I can think of times I have criticized and then thought to myself, why on earth did I say that? And then I have to eat crow and apologize. Would have been better if I had just kept my mouth shut.

Horseman 2: Contempt

            How do those feelings of contempt make you feel deep down? We might feel like we are better than the one we have put down, but we are just keeping those negative thoughts and feelings in our own hearts. Disrespecting those we love not only affects their self-esteem, but ours also. Contempt can come from jealousy. There are many things we can get jealous about: a spouse flirting, someone having more than us that we feel we need, or our own selfish thoughts or desires.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

          This one gets me in trouble more times than I would care to admit. I am quick to snap back with a sarcastic remark or a glare that would make Medusa blush. My dad used to say I was the Queen of Glare.

It is also difficult for me to get over a grudge or apologize. I rerun the scene in my mind many times trying to decide who is right and who is wrong. I dwell on it for days. It not only affects my relationships, the kids I work with can tell when something wrong. I then get a barrage of questions if I am alright, making me angrier. I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeve.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

          This is also something I am really good at. I would rather not say anything at all than something I will regret. I like to think through my responses before uttering a word. I know it makes my husband angry because he is a talker. He can talk an Eskimo into ice cream. He can teach an impromptu Sunday school class. He is gifted in the area I am not. I have gotten better over the years, but I am still a stonewalling master.

When two people come together into a relationship, they are two separate beings from two separate worlds. It takes time, patience, understanding, and energy to make a marriage or even a friendship work. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I know I need to work on making me a better communicator and not let any of the 4 horsemen control my thoughts, feelings, or what I say. Learning to tame these naughty fellows would be in my best interest.