The Hatfields and the McCoys??

In laws or out laws? That is the question…

I do have to reiterate, all of my husband’s siblings have been divorced. My sister has been divorced. Did the in laws have anything to do with it? In my sister’s case, no. My parents still maintain love and fondness for my brother in law. Even more so than my sister’s new hubby. I know my in laws caused problems in 4 of their children’s marriages. They accused, they took sides, they were ugly, especially my father in law. I have tried to maintain good ties with my in laws. I remember birthdays, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I invite them to our children’s events. I stop by on occasion by myself, just to visit. Some suggestions I would have for getting along with in laws would be:

1. Remember that your spouse is a product of them. They are not perfect and you are not perfect.

2. Remember the important days in their lives. Birthdays, anniversaries, Mom and Dad days.

3. Make them feel like they are part of what is going on in your lives. I invite my in laws to birthday parties, ordinations, blessings, ball games, graduations. Sometimes they come, most times they do not. I think after all of these years and missing out on some of the older grandchild activities, they are trying to make an effort with the youngest ones.

4. Do not bad mouth your in laws to your spouse. I have found that my husband gets a little defensive if I say something about his parent’s behavior.

5. Love them like you do your own parents.

6. Take the time to get to know them.

I know I can be a better daughter in law. I try every day. Sometimes in the past I have had my feelings hurt by them. I know they have hurt my children’s feelings also. They have left my kids out of trips to the park or Dairy Queen. I am grateful that my parents are willing and generous participants in my children’s lives.

Money. $$$ What can I say about money? We need it, we use it, we want it. It is a necessary evil. If we take the advice of our leaders we will do our darndest to stay out of debt. I have been known to use some retail therapy on occasion. I do it thinking I am getting back at my husband for being a jerk, but he usually has no idea. I pay the bills and he rarely looks at the credit card statements. I am just abusing myself. It is a vicious cycle.

I believe that paying an honest tithe is essential to my well-being. We have been graciously blessed for paying out tithing. We have some money in savings, two paid off vehicles, and no mortgage. It is a very liberating feeling to just have to for utilities, groceries, and gas for most months. I am a spender and my husband is a saver. My kids have had examples of both. My son saves until he can buy the things he wants. My daughter is very good at paying her household bills. Learning the hard way with money is no fun. For me budgeting is a difficult chore. ☹  I keep trying.

Ducks

My mother in law used to have a plaque that said, “Parenting is like being pecked to death by ducks.” Some days I agree with that statement.

Parents have a solemn duty to raise their children in the gospel, teaching them of God and Jesus Christ. They need to work together to rear children, helping them to become good, decent people. We are counseled to have regular scripture study, family prayer, and Family Home Evening. These things can promote family kindness, love, and cohesion. We need to do fun things together. We need to work and serve together. We need to attend the temple together. We need to guide our children so they can make their own wise and informed decisions.

There was a time that my husband and I were in the good cop/bad cop stage. He would say no, I would say yes. It made me angry that he wanted to parent our children like he was parented. He didn’t understand that kids need space as well as boundaries. They don’t want to be ruled under King Dad. They are growing every day into the adults we want them to be. I did like what Richard B. Miller said,

” In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.”

We are to lead in righteousness. We are to love and provide security. We are to counsel. We are our children’s first teachers and examples. They say what we say and do what we do. Like in the Rodney Atkins song:

Driving through town, just my boy and me
With a Happy Meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn't have the toy 'til his nuggets were gone

A green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath
His fries went a-flying and his orange drink covered his lap

Well, then my four-year-old said a four letter word
That started with "s" and I was concerned
So I said, "Son, now where'd you learn to talk like that?"

[Chorus:]
He said, "I've been watching you, dad. Ain't that cool?
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
We got cowboy boots and camo pants.
Yeah, we're just alike. Hey, ain't we, dad?
I wanna do everything you do.
So I've been watching you."

We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said, "Lord, please help me help my stupid self."

Then this side of bedtime later that night
Turning on my son's Scooby Doo nightlight
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees

He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
And spoke to God like he was talking to a friend
And I said, "Son, now where'd you learn to pray like that?"

."

[Bridge:]
With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug
Said, "My little bear is growing up."
He said, "But when I'm big I'll still know what to do."

[Chorus:]."

We need to teach our children to stand for truth and righteousness. Personal progress and Duty to God, although painful to get through, benefit out children in ways they might not understand right now, but will later in life. When we have a strong foundation, we will not crumble.

Just 2 more things.

I think the 2 most important things that stuck in my mind this week were: 1. The reinforcement in my mind that ANY type of pornography is bad. Photos, videos, stories…they all have the same awful affect. And 2. Sex is not only imperative to a healthy marriage, it is to be used to show our spouse how much we love and care about them.

Intimacy is well…intimate time with our spouse. And it is sometimes difficult to talk about.  It is important that we talk with our spouse, or soon to be spouse, about our expectations with intimacy. We also need to talk with our children about it. There are many ill-informed children out there. Society will tell us that sex and love have nothing to do with each other. They flaunt it on the tv commercials and the movies trailers. You can’t hardly watch tv without sex and infidelity and nonchalance about both being thrown in your face. This is what kids see “love” is. Intimacy to me is unconditional love, charity to my spouse, care and cherish each other, respect, sex, pillow talk, holding hands on the couch, a pat on the tush, or a wink across the aisle at the temple. (There is much more of course!) Sex is a gift from Heavenly Father not only to bring children into our families, but to also bring spouses closer together. There is a vulnerability with intimacy, we let down our guard and trust our spouse to care and respect that vulnerability.

Brother Goddard asks a couple of questions: Are you cultivating appreciation for sweet companionship in your marriage? Are you consciously grateful for the blessing of simple affection with your spouse?

Satan and society would lead us to believe that fidelity in marriage is a fairy tale. No one is committed and very few stay together. Sleeping with someone else is just another day in the life. Satan wants us miserable. If we are failing our spouse, our family, our sex lives, he is happy. He loves discord and disaster.

The porn industry is growing in leaps and bounds. There is really no limit on what people will produce to get our attention. It doesn’t take much. We are so blasted by images of sex and partial nudity on tv that we have become immune to the beginnings of porn. Most won’t think of it that way. It is dangerous in any genre. We have been warned by general authorities not to get involved in it. Psychologists will testify of its danger to relationships. It is unfortunately, an addiction. Just like alcohol and drugs it kills our soul. Stay away!

Healthy relationships take time and care to cultivate. Heavenly Father gave us desires to be used for good and for purpose. The natural man would have us use these desires for selfish need and want fulfillment. We are not perfect as humans, we struggle, we fall, we get back up and try harder next time. 

Gridlock

When I think of the word gridlock, I think of football... not futbol.  

(Disclaimer: I do not like the Lions or the Vikings. We are an NFC South family here! Go Falcons!! )

An offensive player and a defensive player pushing back and forth on the field, each trying to gain the advantage.  Gottman says that all gridlocked disagreements have the same four characteristics:

        1. “You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.

        2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or      affection.

        3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.

4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something      important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self” (237).

Gridlock can be avoided or significantly lessened if we learn to use his six principles. We will look at overwhelming situations with confidence, knowing we are able to communicate effectively with our spouse and work things out. We might not come to a total agreement, but we can agree to disagree. We need to be aware of each other’s needs and take care to listen attentively to them.

My husband would love to have a home somewhere warmer than Idaho. He talks of a little place in Mexico, the cheapest, Southern California, the most expensive, or Eastern Europe, too far away from the kiddos. I know he gets frustrated when I don’t want to talk about it. I am fairly comfortable where we are and really have no desire to live in Mexico with lots of spiders and scorpions. We have compromised that once a year or every other year, he or we, are allowed to take a two-week vacation out of the country. He has been to Eastern Europe about 7 times and I have been twice. It is lovely to see new places, people and scenery, but I am always glad to get back home to my normal place.

Emotions are naturally occurring, but how we choose to deal with those emotions is a choice. We make those emotion choices every day. I can choose to be angry at my son MANY times a day over very trivial stuff. I can choose to have road rage at the idiot driving too slow for my liking. I can choose to be happy and smile at those around me. I can choose to say encouraging words to my husband while he is making a job change. When we are kind and loving to others, we are being charitABLE. We are ABLE to love. We are ABLE to be kind. We are ABLE to make a change in our hearts.

We are able when we turn our lives over to Christ. It is through Him that all things are possible. Whether it is connecting with an errant child or with a stubborn spouse, we can turn to Him in prayer, and if we are humble, we can receive the assistance needed. We are meant to find joy in our relationships, but we have to put forth genuine effort. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don’t. 

stone wall or...

Stonewall

Is stonewalling a repair attempt? That is my go to tension breaker, I just quit talking or leave the room. 😊

I suppose stonewalling doesn’t cure anything, but I can focus on my own thoughts for a bit and maybe even bite my tongue, if needed.

 Problems..we’ve all got them. Big and small, trivial and majorly annoying. From the toilet paper roll facing the right direction to secret credit card bills, they are out there and need dealt with. I have a quite a list of pet peeves.

1. Put your stuff away! Why is the hair gel and toothpaste always left for me to take care of?

2. Wash your dang cereal bowl. The leftovers stick to the bowl and it is twice as hard to clean.

3. Please don’t change the radio station when I am in the middle of belting out a favorite ballad.

4. Can’t you see I just vacuumed? Or cleaned the mirror?

5. Please get your Driver’s ed manual outlined…you only have one chapter left and then I won’t bug you. GRRRRRR!

            I could go on and on, and I’m sure my husband and kids have a list on me too. If we can accept each other’s quirks and understand that we ALL have them, we could be more flexible and let them be speed bumps to roll over instead of mountains to climb.

A Primary song says...

” Help me, dear Father to freely forgive.

All those who seem unkind to me.

Help me each day, Father I pray;

 help me live nearer, nearer to thee.” (Children’s Songbook, 99).

What if we all had this song in our hearts as we dealt with our spouse, significant other, parents, siblings, children, co-workers, etc. Would our days take on a more Christ-like tone? Would we be more charitable and good-hearted towards others? When we choose not to forgive, it can fester and become ugly, even little things. Remember the princess and the pea. She got up on top of all of those mattresses and could still feel the pea. I think it is this was when we don’t forgive, we can always feel it and it could give us a bad night’s sleep, or anxiety, or heartburn, or anger directed at others.

Learning to forgive is a trait Heavenly Father wants us all to develop. He forgives us when we right a wrong, repent, and are willing to do better. This is a great tool He has given us and we are the ones who have to take hold and fly with it.