Contract or Covenant?
Bruce Hafen said: “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 2 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other.”
My grandparents were married for over 50 years. My parents and in laws have also been married for over 50 years. As much as they have fought or not liked each other very much, they have all stayed together. Marriage is a process, just like our other covenants. We don’t know everything about marriage when we say “I do”, just like we don’t understand all of the elements of our baptismal or temple covenants. They take years and years of learning, loving, patience and understanding. Contracts are easier to break off than covenants. I take my temple covenants very seriously. When Jeff and I were sealed, I didn’t realize there were so many little things that I had missed. I have been back to the temple many times and after 26 years, I am still learning about all of the things Heavenly Father wants me to.
Bro. Hafen also talked about the 3 wolves that can be in every relationship. The first wolf is natural adversity. These are events that we as a couple or family, have no control over. A car accident, a house fire, a family member dying, etc. When our son died, it would have been very easy to blame each other for the accident, but we dealt with our demons and supported each other through a very difficult time, not only for Jeff and I, but for the three other kids also.
The second wolf is our own imperfections. I know some of my imperfections drive Jeff crazy, as his drive me crazy. Over time, I have learned to let things go, especially when they are unimportant. I think the more we let the little things stew, the easier it is to get upset about them. We need to talk things out and work on our own idiosyncrasies.
The third wolf is excessive individualism. I think this has become a generation thing. More and more people are choosing friends, hobbies, or “my” time over their spouse and children. I think President Hinkley said that most marriages fail because of selfishness. Selfishness can encompass many facets of our lives. We can be selfish with our love, our time, and our resources. As spouses and parents, these are the three areas our family needs most.
